From a Mother to Her Son, on Mother's Day

Our children are the tuning forks of our lives--that perfect pitch of reason housed in a world of superlatives where what is good is awesome fantastic amazing and great; what is bad is pitch black dark and awful. They shake us from our monotonous trance and force us to bridge for them that divide between all that they see as great and awful; bridge for them that divide between who we were before they came into our lives and who we are meant to become as a result of their indelible touch. 

My ten-year old son Jack came into this world a year behind his sister who was diagnosed with autism days after his arrival. From infancy, his world was invaded by a house filled with rotating therapists--speech, physical, occupational, behavioral--seven days a week for long stretches of hours interrupted only by hours spent in the waiting rooms of specialists' offices and hospitals. I worried, constantly, of the effect that the raw fumes of my attention would have on him. And yet, he was the one who penetrated his sister's silent world and brought her into his. Without charts, statistics or the promise of rewards, he demanded from his sister that she be his playmate...and remarkably, to him only, she complied. And as he calmly and confidently led her into our world, I realized that it was not her special needs that he filled, but mine.  

Which is why I was brought to tears one night last summer by something he did. Overtaken by exhaustion while talking to him about his future, his belief that no man should marry before the age of 50 (what man really knows what he wants until then, he asked) and whether I would recognize him in heaven if he arrived an old man, I fell asleep on his bed awaking to find that he had typed a message on my phone that read, 

Your heart is my home, my church and my temple; your arms are the best seat belts that God ever invented, and no matter where life takes me, all I have to do is think of your laughter and I'll know that I'm home. Jack

I felt in the weight of that moment both joy and a feeling of impending loss. As I placed the covers of his bed over him and kissed his forehead, I felt that although it seemed as if he had just arrived in my life, he was already leaving me. And as he gave to me those lasting words to take me into a world from which he is now slowly seeping, so I, too, want to give him words to carry him into his future.

Mom's Instructions for Living Your Life:

1. Play a sport. It will teach you how to win honorably, lose gracefully, respect authority, work with others, manage your time and stay out of trouble. You might even learn how to throw or catch a ball.

2. Never take something away from somebody that you can't give back--their dignity, their pride, their life.

3. Always aim carefully in the bathroom. Remember, somebody's got to clean that up, and it won't always be fabulous me.

4. Allow me to introduce you to the dishwasher, oven, washing machine, iron, vacuum, mop and broom. Know how to use these and you'll never have to depend on anybody else.

5. Pray. God is not only found in church--he is wherever your heart needs him to be.

6. Don't ever be a bully and don't ever start a fight, but if some idiot clocks you, defend yourself, like your mother taught you.

7. Laugh every day. And bring laughter into everyone's lives. Where there is laughter, there is undiluted joy and boundless hope.  

8. Choose a woman wisely. Make sure she has a wicked sense of humor so that there's always laughter, strong confidence in herself so that she has trust in you and never doubts you, understands your silence is not about her--but about your need to right your world, and knows that a gentle hug and a soft look into your eyes says more than words ever can. And then, do the same for her.

9. Be strong and gentle at the same time.

10. Never enter a room thinking that you're the smartest person in it. Pay attention, listen carefully and you will walk away with an abundance of knowledge.

11. The reason that they're called "private parts" is because they're "private." Please don't scratch them in public.

12. Be a good leader and others will follow. This won't always be easy, but it will always be right.

13. Be confident that every decision you make is the right decision. They put you on the path you need to be on even if you don't see it at the time. Every path you take is filled with amazing people who will touch your life dearly. Just know that they are out there waiting for you and will come into your life exactly when you need them most.

14. It is better to be kind than to be right.

15. A sense of humor goes a long way.

16. Always, always, always, help others especially if they're in danger. Even if it means that you risk putting your own life in danger by doing so.

17. Listen more than you talk.

18. Never lose your sense of self. Ever.

19. Play hooky and go to at least one afternoon baseball game every summer--it will soothe your soul.

20. Never be afraid. Whenever fear seeps in, think of your redheaded mother and remember the words she weaned you on, "You are the son of a warrior!"

I leave you with these instructions as I stand beside you, watching in awe as your confidence grows as fast and strong as your body. I watch in silence bracing myself for that day when you finally leave to set out on the journey I am preparing you for. I stand knowing that I am to be left alone here in the hundred acres of memories my heart holds, waiting--always waiting--for your return; waiting before you have even left.  

And as you go off in search of your life's adventure, moments well remembered will drift like a thousand dandelion wishes that the pulse of our breath carries up and away to scatter their seeds in faraway places--places where I cannot go, but will be carried to in your heart. 

(To the heart of the little boy that beats strong inside the man who listened and inspired me during the writing of this--your dear mother is with you always, and is as proud of you today as I am.)