Living at the Speed of Fear

As we walk through the mall parking lot, I'm compelled to give a list of instructions to my 9 year old daughter. "Walk beside me!" "Keep up with me!" "Hold my hand!" "Watch out for the cars!" "Pay attention!" She tries very hard to follow every instruction, yet it doesn't alleviate the distress I am feeling. I am aware of my fear for her safety. I'm also aware that I am over-reacting to the perceived danger. I expect at any moment for her to be run over by a distracted driver looking for a parking spot, over-stimulated by all the cars, the people, and the chaos all around. This vision plays like a movie in my head. Child safety in parking lots may be a legitimate concern, however, I might do better to manage my fear. My fear occurs every time we are in a parking lot, and its intensity is always the same. Where does this come from? How did I get to be this way?

My thoughts immediately turn to a time when I was a little older than my daughter's age, and a bad decision I made to go running across the street to try to catch the bus that was zooming by, only to meet with the fender of a car. I scraped my knees, and bruised my self confidence, but the trauma seems to have lasted into my adulthood, sparking an anxiety reaction at the thought of my daughter suffering a similar event.

This reaction, known as transference, is "the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object." The amygdala, a region in the temporal lobe of our brain, creates an emotional memory that causes the anxiety that is felt when a similar situation is encountered. These emotions can be positive, such as a smell that reminds you of your favorite meal as a child, but they can also be negative, such as a fear of big dogs, or a fear of heights, that may be related to a past experience. This is where the problems lie when we consider the impact of distressing events of the past on our present lives. It can result in the creation of fear induced limitations that interfere with our happiness, effectiveness, and ability to cope with routine events in our lives. As a result, we live at the speed of our fear. We can only plan, participate & execute our lives according to the limitations that fear permits.

Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders stem from normal emotions and reactions that grow out of proportion to the situation.  They routinely interfere with our work, school and family life. They create obstacles that limit our happiness, and success, and results in behavior that interferes with normal functioning. Examples of anxiety disorders include:

·         Generalized anxiety disorder

·         Panic disorders

·         Obsessive Compulsive Disorders (OCD)

·         Phobias

·         Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Most of us can clearly identify that we don't have the signs of OCD, phobias or a panic disorder. However, how often do we take inventory of our general state of anxiety objectively, or consider the impact that events in our lives have on our current stress level? Take for example, the distress I related earlier. Being fearful for my daughters safety in a parking lot is an example of mild post traumatic stress disorder; an unrealistic fear in the current situation that relates to experience from the past. This past experience governs the unwarranted stress reaction that I have to the current situation. My daughter already has the skills to walk safely, and with awareness in parking lots. I should, as a result, be able to talk myself out of the anxiety reaction that is evoked. Can you think of situation where you have similar reactions? Washing hands? Stranger danger? Cleanliness in the home? Locking doors & rechecking them? Awareness gives us the power to actively manage the fear that we are experiencing. If I'm not aware that I am anxious and don't know why I'm anxious, I cannot resolve it.

Our society is an alarmist culture at the moment. Fear is blasted at us consistently through various media sources. If you haven't a fear about a particular issue, try listening to your friends, neighbors and peers and then turn on the TV and listen to the news. By the time your day is done, you have been bombarded with words of caution and instructions to panic, so much so, it's a struggle to have your own opinion without being influenced by the fear mongering all around.

40 million Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder with women being twice as likely to suffer according to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. Signs of anxiety include:

·         Restlessness, feeling stressed, nervous or on edge

·         Being easily fatigued

·         Irritable

·         Muscle tension

·         Sleep disturbance

·         Difficulty concentrating

Generalized anxiety disorder is diagnosed when three of the symptoms are present more often than not, for a period of 6 months. A panic disorder includes trembling, sweating, palpitations, nausea and butterflies in the stomach. However, we can all recognize when we are anxious by taking an inventory on a consistent basis.

What is Fear?

Fear is an emotion that relates to future events and causes anxiety. It is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat.  The operative word being "perceived". It may not be real. One person's perception of a situation, and reaction to it, may be very different from another person's, and may be based on their level of anxiety or fear of the situation. We are afraid of what will happen, and we try to control as many factors as possible that will influence the event, and reduce our fear. We often have a list of conditions that will reduce fear, and make the event tolerable. Given the opportunity, many of us shy away from participating at all, because our fear overwhelms the event completely.

While it may not be out of the ordinary to place child safety in parking lots high on the priority list, the level of my distress is higher than normal, and my response to the distress is not ideal. It does not interfere with going to the mall or parking in a parking lot, however, it can interfere with my mood, making the shopping experience less enjoyable than it could be. For many people however, a fear reaction is the order of the day to most routine, non-threatening events of daily living. I find myself often intrigued by the responses I witness, among people who have a low threshold of fear. The approach they have to a perceived fear, their reasoning and justification for it, and most importantly, their actions to control, reduce or eliminate their fear or the perceived danger.

Assessing your Anxiety Level

A practical approach to assessing your anxiety barometer is to take a look at the triggers you may have:

·         What everyday situations are likely to cause you distress?

·         Are you aware of your symptoms or signs when you are anxious?

·         How do you act when you are at 10 on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the worse anxiety imaginable?

·         What do you do to manage the distress you feel?

·         Are the actions you participate in to manage stress healthy coping mechanisms?

·         How does it impact your ability to function in your daily life?

·         Do you "medicate" yourself? Medications? Drugs? Food? Alcohol? Exercise? Something else?

Anxiety can produce all kinds of disorders, which include compulsions that help to alleviate the distress. Some of us go and exercise to alleviate distress; some of us are compelled to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. Others eat, and still others hoard, engage in risky behaviors or find relief from disengaging altogether. Watching soap operas and reality shows on TV all day or being on social media constantly are great examples of how people with anxiety may manage their distress through distraction. Consequently, the anxiety sufferer's life, and those around the sufferer are severely impacted by the disorder. It could mean that the fearful person is paralyzed by their anxiety, or has extreme difficulty overcoming their distress as it is too uncomfortable for them to address the underlying cause. Similarly, family and friends might find it very challenging to tolerate the person's anxiety, and their behaviors as a result.

Fear-based decision-making often guides people in their life choices, which means often that people do not step out of their comfort zone. Being an achiever becomes most difficult when fear guides the actions and reactions.

Managing Fear and the Anxiety it Causes

The first step in managing fear involves recognizing and acknowledging how fear presents itself in your life. Some people feel nervous and irritable, some have the "flight" urge making them want to leave the situation, many people avoid situations where they believe they will be afraid thus living inside their comfort zone without ever allowing themselves to master challenging situations. Others spend their days in constant worry about situations, or hypothetical events that might occur in the future, which impact their ability to function now.

The goals for managing fear is to decrease the anxiety that is felt by managing your reaction to it. Here are some pointers:

·         Recognize your Triggers

There is nothing like subjectivity in the heat of the moment. How do you usually react in stressful situations? Is your glass half empty or half full? Are you overwhelmed easily? Having awareness of our own reaction to fear empowers us to also have awareness of how to manage this fear effectively. Then decide to be different! Value-based reactions are the order of the day. Recognize the emotions that you feel at the time that you feel anxious, and then decide what reaction will yield the best results. Too emotional to control your reaction? Emotions are over-rated. Figure out how to change your emotion. Music? Exercise? Dance? Jokes? Pampering? Kick-boxing?

·         Evaluate the Source of Your Fear

In situations where anxiety is experienced, the person who feels anxious can often relate times when they felt the same way, and situations that bring about the same reaction. Sometimes just talking through the reasons why the fear exists, and discerning what is real, and current versus what is no longer true, and from the past, is enlightening. Many people who have been victims of abuse, and trauma's in childhood developed coping mechanisms that were appropriate for a child, however, in adulthood, are using the same coping mechanisms without the desired result. An example would be to have a tantrum when things don't go your way (as a child), however, in adulthood, the result of that will bring about conflict, and intolerance in many instances.

·         Find a mechanism that works for you to Cope with the Anxiety your Feel

People have different ways to distract themselves from their anxiety. Some people read, others exercise. Some listen to music, some meditate and others volunteer. When anxiety occurs, think about the urges that you have that alleviate the distress. If it's a healthy coping strategy, such as exercise, dancing, reading or listening to music, you can continue to do that. However, if the strategy is dangerous or detrimental to your health, it takes a little work to overcome the distress, and institute a different plan. Dr. Frank Lawlis in his book about brain plasticity "Retrain your Brain", discusses how practice helps the brain to develop new habits to replace the old if we commit to doing the work to change our behaviors. It is simply about gravitating to activities that you are likely to enjoy during stressful times rather than either staying distressed or engaging in bad behaviors.

·         Manage the Voice in your Head

Many people tell themselves terrible things in the course of their anxiety or fear. A belief that focuses on the worst case scenario and is an irrational fear is called "catastrophic thinking". When I give healthcare presentations, I always tell myself before the presentation that I am clueless and I shouldn't do these presentations, because I don't know what I'm talking about. However, after 5 minutes into the presentation, I remember very well that I'm quite good at presenting and know a lot about the subjects I present. Fancy that! So I tell myself to shut up when I have negative thoughts and that nobody notices that I am anxious.

Many people do not realize that they engage in catastrophic thinking and that their behaviors are guided by these thoughts. What's more, many people do not think their way of thinking is irrational! An example of a catastrophic thought would be to encourage your children to constantly use hand sanitizers to wash their hands because you heard about a child that died from an E. Coli infection because they didn't wash their hands after they went to the bathroom. The reality of the situation is that the majority of people don't get fatal infections after forgetting to wash their hands, that we are all exposed to E Coli all the time, and who knows what else, constantly, every single day, without a fatal result. Lastly, we do not know (not does the doctor) the reason why the child died, but have jumped to an unsupported conclusion that he failed to wash his hands after using the bathroom. Ways to manage the voice in your head are to say things like:

·         Do I know all the facts that support being fearful and anxious in this situation?

·         Are most people fearful in this situation too?

·         Who can help me to get past my fear?

·         The feeling will pass if I just wait! (cognitive behavior therapy)

·         I am strong enough to get through this.

·         I know what to do in this situation.

While these activities can be helpful, it takes time. Some people require counseling or group therapy, to work through their fears and anxiety. Help with these disorders can be found through the following organizations:

·         Anxiety and Depression Association of America: http://www.adaa.org/

·         Freedom from Fear: http://www.freedomfromfear.org/